One of those Days...: /

Last night, me and my hubby were lying in bed and he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Babe, are you pregnant?" Mind you, he was joking. We are always making jokes and laughing. I told him yea you wish I was pregnant! In a second, he said yea. To make this understandable, he never says he hopes that I'm pregnant. He always states it as if you are, than you are. I know him very well and this a type of defense to protect me (ease the pressure off of my part) and also so he doesn't get let down I think. Well, I looked at him and asked he really did wish I was, and he said "Yes babe. I really do ♥" I turned over to him and just started crying and he held me until we feel asleep. At this point, it felt so great to hear the hope in his voice. He always is this tough guy and doesn't like to express his feelings about this especially because we both know that it is a very sensitive and touchy subject. I ♥ him so much! 

So I went onto YouTube last week and found one channel that stood out to me. It was a TTC vlog by a women who is the same age as me. I found that we had alot in common. We both have PCOS and she has been trying for about a year or so. She had so many bits of info on PCOS and the options that lie out there. I sat and watched probably 20 or so of them and I found myself writing things down and coming up with all of these questions for my doc. Boy, he is going to love me come my next appointment! LOL. But I really did learn alot of helpful ideas and tips for me to try out and the hubs too!

I cant even express how helpful and nice it is to meet and chat with other women out there who are going through this long and sometimes painful journey as well. My best wishes are with them, but just having someone to talk with is very calming and therapeutic in a way. I don't really have anyone around me that has fertility issues and can truly understand what this is like and all about. You know someone who tracks their cycle days, OPKs, BBT charting, fertility meds, and everything else that is involved. It can be a very intrusive process and such a disappointing process. I used to say that is would be horrible to never be able to have children. What I thought back then when I said this and what it is like now is such a difference because now I truly know the hurt and the pain every time when AF stops by or when I get a BFN. It can really throw you into a depression-like state of mind. I often notice myself saying, "Why me?!" "Will it ever happen?!" "Maybe this is a hopeless dream that will never come true..." Sometimes I will hold my stomach and tell my ovaries to work right! LOL. I just get so frustrated seeing other women walking with their bumps out there for the world to see and wishing my body would work right and produce a healthy miracle like they are carrying. I know that the good Lord has a plan for us and that in time he will give us a child when he feels like its time.

Lord, please let it be soon ♥