CD7 and 3rd Day of Clomid

Ok! Well this round of Clomid had been going pretty good til today...I have been extremely dizzy and lightheaded since I got up this morning, nnauseous and headache all day. Oh yea and moody as heck! The hubby is probably glad he's at work tonight LOL! So that's whats going on today with that...no cramps or pains in my stomach either so that's great! Now hopefully these last two days will go easier on me!

God Bless ♥

CD6 and 2nd Day of Clomid

Just an update...I took the full 200MG of the Clomid today and no side effects!! That makes me so relieved and happy : ) I was wanting all day to start feeling something but nothing. I took it like 15 hours ago so I'm hoping that I'm in the clear! Will update again tomorrow!

God Bless ♥

CD 5 and 5th Cycle of Clomid

Wow! I've been off here for a little while! A busy 2 weeks around here.

Well, Thanksgiving was great! Good times with family. Black Friday shopping was tons of fun as usual too! I am a big shopper so the one day out of the year that I get crazy deals, I shop til I drop. LOL. Then Christmas decorating with the hubby the rest of the weekend ♥ He has been on vacation for a week so him being back at work today is kinda depressing : (  Can't wait til I see his face when he gets home!

Ok...so AF was a day late this cycle. She came on Thanksgiving morning! I thought, "Well this is one thing that I'm not thankful for!" LOL.

Today was CD 5 which meant my start of this round of Clomid. last week I talked with my doctor and he decided to up me from 50MG per day to...200MG per day!!! I was excited but nervous at the same time because that was such a huge increase. So I mulled over it over the weekend and today I only took 150MG. Now the only real side effect that I kinda noticed was the headaches :p. Ugh! But at least it wasn't anything major! So tomorrow I will attempt the 200 MG and see what happens. Worse comes to worse, I will lower myself back down to 150MG. My follicle ultrasound is Dec. 5th so we'll see then if this round of Clomid worked or not. If still no success then I have to go back Jan. 12th for a Overview/CheckUp with the doc to see whats next.

I have a feeling that this is going to be OUR cycle and get our BFP this time around. Maybe its the Christmas season or the big dose increase or something, but I feel really good about it! I would love to announce our pregnancy on Christmas Day to everyone we love!! So, IDK but fingers are crossed and I am praying!

I will try to update each day on this cycle of Clomid for side effects and such. Friday will be CD9, so I will take the final dosage then.

God Bless ♥

2WW Almost Coming to an End

Thank goodness to all that I can say. 2WW is the most anxious and long 2 weeks ever! I am currently on CD 27. I am 5 days out from AF :( Hopefully she forgets to stop by and I get a BFP this month...I hope ♥ For the heck of it though, tonight I tested. I know that it is probably too early, but I did. It was a BFN :( But I am hoping that my doc was wrong this month and I will get a BFP by the 23rd. We would love to annouce our pregnancy on Thanksgiving, but my mind is telling me that it didnt happen this month. I have no weird sypmtoms or anything as of yet. So I'm still in the waiting period. I will test on CD31 which is Tuesday and if it is a BFN, then I will call the doc and hopefully get the next treatments started.

I am so ready for this and I just so damn aggravated! I want this more than I can express and waited so long. If one more friend tells me that they got a BFP, I will probably scream!! I hate being this person inside because this not the real me under normal circumstances. I love all of my friends and it just freaking hurts :(  I've tried the "relax and maybe it will happen" time and the medicated cycles. Now I just want my BFP. I pray for it and long for it.......

God Bless ♥

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother" Another Poem

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother!

~TTC Poem~

I love this! It made me cry because I can relate so much......

"Everyday I get further behind wraped up in a thought that someday i'll get mine hold on hold on thats what they say give it another chance for you i will pray, but they dont know what i have been through, the time that has passed with no lite shining through.

Days turn to months and months into years, seeing with these eyes of people all around me glowing and happy . Oh my I must of cried so many tears, all is not lost thats what I hear but they do not know they've never been here.

Longing for a baby it sure takes a toll never knowing if someday your angel you'll hold, you feel so alone and that no one understands but GOD has heard you and for you he has plans.

Just when you feel that your at the end of your rope he opens the door with a ray of hope, all your prayers have been anwsered from GOD above he sent you your angel for you to love.

He says now child you must see i did not ignore you i was just buisy making the child you will someday get sometimes it just takes patients and that you must never forget........."

One of those Days...: /

Last night, me and my hubby were lying in bed and he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Babe, are you pregnant?" Mind you, he was joking. We are always making jokes and laughing. I told him yea you wish I was pregnant! In a second, he said yea. To make this understandable, he never says he hopes that I'm pregnant. He always states it as if you are, than you are. I know him very well and this a type of defense to protect me (ease the pressure off of my part) and also so he doesn't get let down I think. Well, I looked at him and asked he really did wish I was, and he said "Yes babe. I really do ♥" I turned over to him and just started crying and he held me until we feel asleep. At this point, it felt so great to hear the hope in his voice. He always is this tough guy and doesn't like to express his feelings about this especially because we both know that it is a very sensitive and touchy subject. I ♥ him so much! 

So I went onto YouTube last week and found one channel that stood out to me. It was a TTC vlog by a women who is the same age as me. I found that we had alot in common. We both have PCOS and she has been trying for about a year or so. She had so many bits of info on PCOS and the options that lie out there. I sat and watched probably 20 or so of them and I found myself writing things down and coming up with all of these questions for my doc. Boy, he is going to love me come my next appointment! LOL. But I really did learn alot of helpful ideas and tips for me to try out and the hubs too!

I cant even express how helpful and nice it is to meet and chat with other women out there who are going through this long and sometimes painful journey as well. My best wishes are with them, but just having someone to talk with is very calming and therapeutic in a way. I don't really have anyone around me that has fertility issues and can truly understand what this is like and all about. You know someone who tracks their cycle days, OPKs, BBT charting, fertility meds, and everything else that is involved. It can be a very intrusive process and such a disappointing process. I used to say that is would be horrible to never be able to have children. What I thought back then when I said this and what it is like now is such a difference because now I truly know the hurt and the pain every time when AF stops by or when I get a BFN. It can really throw you into a depression-like state of mind. I often notice myself saying, "Why me?!" "Will it ever happen?!" "Maybe this is a hopeless dream that will never come true..." Sometimes I will hold my stomach and tell my ovaries to work right! LOL. I just get so frustrated seeing other women walking with their bumps out there for the world to see and wishing my body would work right and produce a healthy miracle like they are carrying. I know that the good Lord has a plan for us and that in time he will give us a child when he feels like its time.

Lord, please let it be soon ♥

Offical Results From My Doc

Well, my doctor came back from vaca today and reviewed my follicle ultrasound. He was in agreement with the other doctor. No large follicles that would hold eggs this month :'( I was hoping that the other doc was wrong! I asked what was next and she said that we needed to wait until the next time that AF got here. Which should be the 23rd of this month. Since I have no follicles, I am wondering if I will be on schedule this month or not. The 1st day of "fertile" period was yesterday and no signs of possible O right now. I'm going to test with my OPK this week (probably Wednesday) just to check. Maybe the doc is off??....you never know right. I know, I know...just hoping. I am still just crushed at this and I can't help it. If AF does comes this month, I will be looking forward to coming up with a new gameplan with my doc. I soooo am praying and hoping that this happens soon. I want to be a momma so badly ♥

God Bless ♥

Another Day....

So I was so happy that I was able to see one of my close friends today. Things didnt work out the way that we was hoping, but we were able to meet up at Wally World and chat. She leaves about an hour away from me, so catching up in person doesnt really happen to much. She has the cutest lil girl and that I love to see when I can. She had not seen me in about 6 months, but she hugged me and gave me kisses : ) So precious! She's only 2 but she acts and looks older. Sarah and I have been friends since was got our CNA license together about 4 years ago. We chat alot on my fertility issues not because she has gone through it, but her sister in law has and is still going through it. She's always been a great friend to me. I would call her one of those very hard "true" friends that are rare to find these days.

On a different note, last night I went over to my sisters' house for a few hours and watched movies and talked til 130AM! It was great and kinda got my mind off of things for a while in a way. We did talk about what the doc found Thursday and she told me that she would give me anything to help me get pregnant! Even eggs if needed....that was just so sweet. I know that both of my sisters would do anything for me and vice versa. I really am a lucky and blessed gal : )  

So the start of my fertile period was supposed to be tomorrow. Guess not now though. What if I get my eggwhite CM?? Does that mean that there was eggs in there after all or would this occur if not? I'm thinking that if I end up having eggwhite CM that I must have at least a couple of eggs. In my head, I am really hoping that the doc was looking at the ultrasound wrong or something, but thats just me trying to hope. It was so sweet Thursday night after my hubby got home. He just held me in his arms and let me cry myself to sleep. He knows how hard this whole ordeal is to me and he really tries to comfort me the best that he knows how. Sometimes, his word "vomit" (LOL) is off, but he does try.

I'm thinking about starting a Vlog (Video Blog), just gotta to figure out how to do it. Well, got tons of laundry to get done so off to the laundry room I go!

God Bless ♥

Bad day :'(

I haven't been on here in quite a few days. Been busy and not really feeling so well. I hate those days when you feel like you can't move or let's be honest, don't want to move lol! It's been hard getting use to being a stay at home wifey. I'm used to working and being at least semi-on-the-go. I can't complain though because in a way I'm blessed to be able to relax for a little while at least.

Well today was my follicle ultrasound. Unfortunately my doctor is on vaca til Monday, so his sidekick doc was my fill in. I had a bad feeling when the ultrasound tech was asking alot of questions and giving the screen strange looks. When the nurse pulled me aside, she spoke the words that I was scared that I was going to hear. She said that my follicles were too small and more than likely, had no eggs in them. This broke my heart : ( She told me that she did not want to change my treatments and that my doc would start on the "What's Next?" process on Monday for me. Very discouraging. I was wanting to be able to announce our pregnancy on the day of the year that is all about the things in your life that you are grateful for....but oh well. Hopefully God will give the doctors the ability to get me preggers soon and let his will be done....

God Bless ♥